Saturday 31 March 2012

Nine years ago.


Nine years ago today, April Fools day, I sat in a therapist's office with my mum holding my hand. It was April Fools day, surely they were joking. I didn't need to be put in the hospital. Remembering the look on my mom's face the first time I jumped out of the moving car made me flinch. Maybe... maybe they had a point. Maybe I did need some help. 
Not 8 months before this point I had been diagnosed with Manic Depression. I'd go absolutely batshit hyper and crazy and insane, cleaning, drawing, playing my bass and drums and wishing I could do all at the same time. I'd run around outside until I thought my lungs would burst. This always lasted for a few days, a week if I was lucky. Then the depression would slap me across the face and jump on my back, weighing me down like an elephant on a mouse. I would cry, despair, and sleep. When I couldn't sleep, WOULDN'T sleep, I would write with such brilliance and clarity. I am very sad that I've since lost a lot of my best writing since then. I would take sleeping pills by the near handful. I would eat and eat and eat only to purge. I would starve for days. I would only eat a rice cracker with a slice of cheese. I'd eat and eat and eat and force myself to keep it because I deserved to be fat. I'd avoid my friends because I didn't deserve friends. I'd argue with my rather estranged father because I wanted someone to hate me.
Jumping out of the car actually started as a game, in my mind. Drive along as slowly as possible and see if I could just get out and walk at the same pace as the car. Then we'd go a bit faster. And then I was jumping out at speeds fast enough to make me fall and roll, with no warning to the driver. No matter who the driver. God I was selfish.
So, into the loony bin I went. They made me take out my piercings, they took away my makeup. I had to go to 'school' to be allowed to make phone calls or to be allowed visitors. If I didn't go to 'gym' or 'school' or take a shower, no one was allowed to see me. My mum came every day with gifts for me. She'd bring me clothes I hated. I wanted my big baggy black Harley Davidson shirts and my paint stained man-pants. She'd bring me white gauzy shirts with flowing sleeves and butterflies printed on them. She was my rock, completely.
They gave me a new drug to try, as I'd had no success with any other. I was 135 pounds when I went into the hospital, but the water weight... I ballooned to 170 by the end of my time there.
I was only there for a week.
A girl my age (who is still my friend to this date) was there for anorexia. A little boy was there, and every day he'd come up to me and say, "I'm going home today!!" and by the time it was lights out, it was hard to tell who cried louder, me or him.  There was Robert the Pastor with thick bandages around his neck and wrist. There was Julie, the woman with eyes that seemed to always be red and watery who worked for a non-profit. And there was Eric, a boy who was constantly tied to his bed in the common area who would scream and scream and thrash and bite and scream if The Flintstones wasn't being played on the tiny television beside him.
I still hate the Flintstones.

It was 9 years ago today that I was admitted, and though no real 'healing' went on during my stay, it was that period that made me realize that I had a problem, and that no matter how badly I was hurting, someone out there cared for me and I didn't want to let them down.
Since that day, I've accomplished so much. I was the youngest graduate in my class, and I was at the top. I fell head over heels in love, I worked 2 jobs and made my way to Australia by the time I was 18. I got married and moved to Australia permanently. I'm looking forward to my 4th wedding anniversary to my darling husband for whom I would do anything. I've got two beautiful nieces back home in Canada that I miss dearly, and I am so proud of them both. 
My life is not perfect, but it is mine and it is beautiful. My life is what I've made it through my choices and actions, and I would not change it for anything in the world.

Wednesday 28 March 2012

Life is beautiful, even when it's ugly and when it hurts.  Sometimes the fear of living outweighs the fear of death. Sometimes the fear of having never existed in the first place is all encompassing. How can I prove that I exist outside of my own experiences of life? 

Every day is full of strangers, and it's my responsibility to treat them with dignity and respect, even if they aren't extending that same courtesy. 

Sometimes I feel existential, solipsistic. But if I can make someone I don't know smile regardless of my own pain or discomfort or personal crisis, then I know that smile will make them think of me, and make me exist outside of my own mind. If someone can think of me and smile, then I've ensured that I am definitely alive. Even when I am dead and gone, if I can be remembered with a smile, then I will always exist.

Saturday 24 March 2012

Change of plan, ART!

You know, I do too much bitching about work and not enough celebrating individuality and art.

So after a grand total of what, 3 work related posts? I'm changing the context of this blog. I'll keep the name just because I'm too lazy to change it, but I will dedicate this blog to fashion, style, art, crafts and celebrating my wonderful friends and who I am.

I'm quite rather excited. I know I only have one reader (and I love her so dearly, she's a sister to me) but I'm terrified of clogging up my Tumblr and Facebook and Twitter with my fangirling and being all AHH GIVE ME ATTENTION so I'll just put this sort of thing on my blog more often when I feel like sharing this sort of thing.

A few years ago I was really into writing. And drawing and painting and all sorts of lovely artsy things. And I kind of lost it. It's come back because of Sherlock by the BBC. I love every aspect of the show and of the fandom. It's just brilliant, and it's inspired me.

I've done a few portraits, I've made a few hats, I'm writing again, and today I took on my first water colour since I was about 16.

A few weeks ago I got this idea in my head.

Sherlock. Brits. Hot black coffee and steaming cups of tea. Tobacco and scarves and pipes and long coats.  I'm enamoured with the fashion and with the idea of smells.

I decided since I love to do portraits, it would only make sense if I used one of these beautifully defining materials to paint Sherlock's (Benedict Cumberbatch's) lovely face. Because I'm not shallow at all. He's fucking beautiful, kay? XD

Anyway, so I went out and I bought some heavy duty watercolour paper, some brushes and a basic water colour set. I also went out and bought 40 disposable shot glasses.

When I got home (and redyed my hair) I boiled a heap of water and started making pigments out of coffee and various teas. Intense black tea, orange pekoe, lemon and honey, green tea, and wild berry tea.

I had 30 shot glasses, 6 different beverages and 5 shades of each. My lounge room smelled delicious.

I messed up the proportions of his face a bit, and his hair (hair is so difficult for me) but here is my final result.

Everything is tea and coffee, but for the darker shades in his hair, his eyebrow, the blue in his eyes, the black of his nostril and the black inside his mouth- those are watercolour. I wanted to do as little as possible with the actual water colours, but I could not get my coffee dark enough to do what I needed.


I need some of these

I need some of these

Topshop slouchy cardigan
$84 - topshop.com

Sleeveless top
£79 - farfetch.com

NW3 pleated skirt
£89 - johnlewis.com

Opaque tight
$16 - topshop.com

Dr. Martens dr martens boots
£77 - farfetch.com

Green shades
£14 - debenhams.com

Wet Seal crochet belt
$11 - wetseal.com

Red Herring beanie hat
£7.50 - debenhams.com

Friday 23 March 2012

My style

My style

MiH Jeans plaid shirt
$225 - net-a-porter.com

Topshop striped sweater
$76 - topshop.com

Silver ring
£20 - debenhams.com

Green shades
£14 - debenhams.com

MAC Cosmetics lip makeup
$15 - nordstrom.com

Sherlock and John mrk II

Sherlock and John mrk II

MiH Jeans cotton shirt
$225 - net-a-porter.com

Lace top
£143 - farfetch.com

J Crew knit shirt
$80 - net-a-porter.com

Fendi cotton trench coat
£769 - farfetch.com

All Saints bomber jacket
$495 - allsaints.com

Rag bone tuxedo jacket
£329 - farfetch.com

Abercrombie & Fitch jeans
$78 - abercrombie.com

Uniqlo stretchy pants
£20 - uniqlo.com

Toast ballerina shoes
£85 - toast.co.uk

Converse bag
£46 - zalando.co.uk

Antik Batik gold jewelry
$110 - stylebop.com

Monsoon tri color jewelry
£20 - monsoon.co.uk

Isabel Marant fringed shawl
€445 - shopmrsh.com